she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
