burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
