I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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