my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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