i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
