Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
