It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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