I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize