I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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