I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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