Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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