Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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