after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
