Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
