She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
