When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
