I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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