party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The beer is more important than you right now.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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