You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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