New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
