I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
