Your mouth is God's brothel.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
