I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
