between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
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I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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