I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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