got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize