two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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