a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
