So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
