Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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