Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
