i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Randomize
