Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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