I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize