opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
