I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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