Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
