i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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