low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
this will be a night to untag.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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