and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
