So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You are a booty call, not a friend.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
