i don't plan on having that self control this summer
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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