is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
