I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
