Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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