tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
