if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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