It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
