If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
