He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
