He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
