shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
