nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
