Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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