Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
