Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
