smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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