hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
