i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
