u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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