eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
