I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have peed in a lot of sinks
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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