end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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