There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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