I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
