I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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