at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
