Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
