I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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