I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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